Exorcism

My car was possessed.

I drive an 11-year old car… almost as good as 12-year old Scotch!

When I bought it brand-new way back then, one of the things the salesman pushed was that the car had a security system.  Nowadays, seems every car bought off the lot has a factory installed security system that will lock and unlock the car from a remote, as well as set an anti-theft alarm.  Well, back then, only the real expensive cars had factory installed systems.  Most, like mine off the lot, had ‘after market’ systems.  In other words, after leaving the production line, some kid at a small business installed the alarm system locally.

For some 8 years, the system worked great.  Using the handy key fob contraption, I could lock and unlock the car from a distance.

Then the demons descended on the car.  First, the remote refused to work.  Randomly at first, but ultimately ceasing to function altogether.  I could still lock and unlock the car using the good, old-fashioned key in the lock method.  Sometimes the old ways are the best.

Then the ghosts absconded with the car.  The alarm system began to go off  by itself.  At first, it was only when I hit the clutch before locking the car.  Then it was totally random.  When unlocking the car.  When locking the car.  When getting into the car.  Annoying to say the least.  And, since the key fob no longer worked, the only way to shut off the alarm was to hit a secret ‘kill’ switch while simultaneously starting the car.  This required me to use the yoga position sometimes called the “Constipated Duck” in order to get both done at the same time.

Things go worse.  Not quite as bad as Stephen King’s Christine, but bad…

First was when I went to visit a friend and had it go off in the quiet, midnight neighborhood, only to find I’d gotten into the “Bulemic Panda” yoga position and couldn’t find the ‘kill’ switch.  After at least 10 embarrassing seconds of the alarm screaming in the middle of the night, I finally found the switch and got the alarm off and the car started.

Next was when I did the right yoga position, but the alarm refused to go off anyway.  It wasn’t until I tried such random things as opening the door while doing the switch/key combo, that it worked.

The final straw was when it quit and would not start, even with the right combo of switch and ignition.  Now, that would be merely aggravating, had it not been for the fact I was in the middle of a crowded parking lot.

So, today, I took it to the local car alarm exorcist and had the demons and ghosts exorcised… for a hefty fee, of course.  I have to lock the car manually now [gasp!]… just like the good old days.  But it seems to work…

…but I bet the poltergeists are just waiting for the proper time to attack again… like in the middle of a funeral procession or just when I’m getting frisky with a woman… or both…  ;->

Tags: car revenge, exorcism, random alarms, yoga positions we'd like to see