My car was possessed.

I drive an 11-year old car… almost as good as 12-year old Scotch!

When I bought it brand-new way back then, one of the things the salesman pushed was that the car had a security system.  Nowadays, seems every car bought off the lot has a factory installed security system that will lock and unlock the car from a remote, as well as set an anti-theft alarm.  Well, back then, only the real expensive cars had factory installed systems.  Most, like mine off the lot, had ‘after market’ systems.  In other words, after leaving the production line, some kid at a small business installed the alarm system locally.

For some 8 years, the system worked great.  Using the handy key fob contraption, I could lock and unlock the car from a distance.possessed-car

Then the demons descended on the car.  First, the remote refused to work.  Randomly at first, but ultimately ceasing to function altogether.  I could still lock and unlock the car using the good, old-fashioned key in the lock method.  Sometimes the old ways are the best.

Then the ghosts absconded with the car.  The alarm system began to go off  by itself.  At first, it was only when I hit the clutch before locking the car.  Then it was totally random.  When unlocking the car.  When locking the car.  When getting into the car.  Annoying to say the least.  And, since the key fob no longer worked, the only way to shut off the alarm was to hit a secret ‘kill’ switch while simultaneously starting the car.  This required me to use the yoga position sometimes called the “Constipated Duck” in order to get both done at the same time.

Things go worse.  Not quite as bad as Stephen King’s Christine, but bad…


First was when I went to visit a friend and had it go off in the quiet, midnight neighborhood, only to find I’d gotten into the “Bulemic Panda” yoga position and couldn’t find the ‘kill’ switch.  After at least 10 embarrassing seconds of the alarm screaming in the middle of the night, I finally found the switch and got the alarm off and the car started.

Next was when I did the right yoga position, but the alarm refused to go off anyway.  It wasn’t until I tried such random things as opening the door while doing the switch/key combo, that it worked.

The final straw was when it quit and would not start, even with the right combo of switch and ignition.  Now, that would be merely aggravating, had it not been for the fact I was in the middle of a crowded parking lot.

So, today, I took it to the local car alarm exorcist and had the demons and ghosts exorcised… for a hefty fee, of course.  I have to lock the car manually now [gasp!]… just like the good old days.  But it seems to work…

…but I bet the poltergeists are just waiting for the proper time to attack again… like in the middle of a funeral procession or just when I’m getting frisky with a woman… or both…  ;->


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13 Responses to “Exorcism”

  1. kyknoord Says:

    Both? Were you the inspiration for Wedding Crashers, by any chance?

  2. Stephanie of Stopbouncing Says:

    hhhmmm, so now we can add “crazy flexible” to your resume.

  3. Sassy Miss P Says:

    You’re planning on getting frisky with a woman during a funeral procession?
    Oh my.

  4. hisqueen Says:

    Your yoga positions sound inspiring–perhaps you could (and may have to) combine them with the funeral/lady in the car. That would be worth seeing on AFV.

  5. UncleKeith Says:

    The power of LoJack compels you!
    The power of LoJack compels you!

  6. nursemyra Says:

    I can give you something for that constipated duck feeling…..

  7. daisyfae Says:

    um… why do you lock your car if it’s 11 years old, has a shitty after market alarm system? do you really think someone will steal it?

  8. thegnukid Says:

    kyknoord – i’m not allowed to talk about it until the court case is settled…shhh…

    stephanie – already on there. well, on the ‘special’ resume… ;->

    Miss P – planning? no. prepared just in case? hell yeah.

    hisqueen – nobody is getting near me with a video camera if i ever do yoga again. think of the children!

    Uncle Keith – Ah, you have experience in exorcism techniques. or at least well read?

    nursemyra – i’m sure you can… and i’d be a happy camper afterwards. those around me may not be, but i will…

    daisyfae – i’m not the least worried about the car… it’s just that i have my collection of Slim Whitman’s Greatest Hits 8-track tapes in there…

  9. nursemyra Says:

    *gasp* Slim Whitman’s Greatest Hits? Wait…. who is this Slim Whitman person?

  10. The Unbearable Banishment Says:

    My aged Italian mom use to refer to it as the “killer” switch.

    Fun fact: “Constipated Duck” is a Jeff Beck song. Did you know?

  11. Rob Says:

    Hey gnukid? Could I borrow those Slim Whitman 8-tracks? I’d like to copy them onto cassette.

  12. silverstar98121 Says:

    *snort* Sounds like some of the cars that have possessed me in my lifetime.

  13. thegnukid Says:

    nursemyra – why, only one of the greatest [snicker] yodeling country singers of this great country…

    t.u.b. – no way… “Constipated Duck” is really a song? I got a note that said it’s also a real yoga position… and i thought i was being clever making stuff up.

    rob – as long as you have an 8-track player to copy from, you’re welcome to them.

    silverstar – in polite circles, it’s called “cars with character”…

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