I consider myself lucky to have a fun biking partner who keeps me company on rides. Last fall, we encountered a concept which has opened my eyes to a new threat to us humans – – assassin squirrels.
It all started with a ride on the bike path we take, which at the time was covered with fallen autumn leaves. I rode over some of the leaves, creating the expected rustling, crackling noise, subdued some by the morning air. My friend, riding ahead of me, must have thought the noise came from above. She looked upward and asked what the noise was.
I immediately (and nonsensically) replied, “Squirrels!” She countered (equally nonsensically … which is why I so enjoy her company), “Assassin Squirrels?” I added, “…and they’re coming to get us!” And a theme was born.
Thinking this all just grand fun, I was surprised later to find several news stories of just such sinister creatures. To quote just three (of many I found!) – –
— “The squirrel menace … returned with a vengeance on Monday, when a rogue squirrel attacked a postal worker as she delivered letters.”
— “A … Toyota Camry last week suffered a sciurine* kamikaze attack during which a flaming squirrel** fell onto the vehicle, slid into the engine compartment and provoked an explosion which destroyed the parked vehicle…”
And even pets aren’t safe:
— “Squirrels have bitten to death a stray dog which was barking at them in a Russian park, local media report.”
Citizens of the world, no longer can we turn a blind eye to this threat of Mother Nature’s terrorism! They. Are. Out. There. Please, take immediate precautions —
1) When in wooded areas, always carry a can of Squirrel-Be-Gone®
2) Consider wearing non-flammable clothing
3) There is no “3”
4) Do NOT make eye contact with squirrels
5) Always floss after meals
Notify authorities at once if you are the victim of the dreaded assassin squirrels! Be careful out there…
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* I think “sciurine” is a cool word
** I’d quip that “Flaming Squirrels” would be a great name for a band, but there already is one — http://flamingsquirrel.net/
The Wilds of Ohio 
