Posts Tagged ‘lung cancer – don’t smoke’

Mixed Emotions

December 6, 2009

GnuKid's sister

My sister passed away this past Thursday due to complications from lung cancer.

As I’ve mentioned a couple times previously, we were not that close.  Her lack of sisterly love for me when I decided to divorce made us even more distant.  Since I told her I was divorcing, we’ve talked on the phone only some 20 times in the past year.  Of that, I initiated the call 17 times.  Of the 3 she initiated, 2 were about funeral arrangements for an aunt who had passed.

Still, she was my sister.  Thus the subject line.  Mixed Emotions.

I am sorry that she died.  And at ‘only’ 66 years of age.  She didn’t suffer when she actually went, but was not doing well with the lung cancer.

I feel badly that I didn’t really get a chance to say “goodbye” to her.  But, likewise, I wasn’t really allowed to say goodbye, either.  I asked her a couple of times if I could come out and visit.  Each time I was told, “This is not a good time.”

Near the end, due to a health issue, her husband asked everyone to “don’t call her, she’ll call you”.  Having been a caregiver to my ex-wife during her illness, I fully respected his request and did not call.  Come to find out that one of the few people she did call?  My ex-.  She was a better sister to my ex- than she was to me.

I feel badly for her husband and daughter.  It was very clear when my brother-in-law called to tell me she passed that he was distraught.  I feel for him.

A strange emotion hit me.  I can’t describe, really, the realization that I’m the last of the 4 siblings.  Yes, I am the youngest.  And, yes, I have many cousins left in my generation.  And even aunts and an uncle left in my Mom and Dad’s generation (though both Mom and Dad are gone).  But in my immediate family, I am the last of the 4 siblings.  Still haven’t wrapped my brain around that emotion.

She did not act like a sister to me.  I can’t really grieve as if she was.  Yet, still, she was my sister.  She was family.  And she’s gone now.  And for that, I am sorry.

When you consider my sister’s passing, along with my brother’s passing last year around this time, plus the divorce, moving out of the married home, moving into a new ‘single’ place, and add in a few other life stressors, this has made for an emotionally frenetic year for GnuKid.

I am ready for the Karma Goddess to embrace me lovingly instead of kicking me in the ass and crotch like she’s got PMS and blames me.