Shifting Relationship

If you have children, you will never… ever… cease being a parent.  That’s not to say that you have to continually treat your offspring as a child, but there will always be a feeling that you must protect and support your kids.  And, yes, I fully realize that there are some parents out there who feel their parental duties cease the moment their child turns 18.  Or even a 12-sigma minority who feel it ceases at birth…or even conception from some men.  But for the majority of us, always a parent.

My kids have had several opportunities to prove this point.  But I’ve noticed a subtle shift.  A shift which is touching.

Case in point. 

Boy Child is a contributing member of society, adult in all senses of the word.  But, still human.  And subject to human frailties and life events. 

He’s dating.  Or attempting to.  He dates some people he’s met through work, as well as a couple he’s met on-line.  A recent date?  One of his good friends for quite awhile.  He’s told me that they really like each other as friends, but never crossed the line to ‘dating’. 

That changed recently, as evidenced by a text message from The Boy:

“Fuck!!”

Parent mode kicks in and an immediate text back to him, asking what’s going on.

Seems he finally crossed the line with his longtime friend and found himself “making out” with her.  The problem?  His friend is still with her current partner.  Yes, they’re on the last legs of that relationship, but they’re still together.  Boy Child is very sensitive to the potential for problems with this.  His next text to me affirmed his feeling that:

“…it’s gonna be a drama apocalypse…”

(and a nice turn-of-phrase, that).

As a parent, I want to help.  As a parent, though, I know he’s an adult and must deal with this.  So, I offer support, an ear, a shoulder, a few kind words, and affirmation of him being a good man. 

But the ‘dad’ in me still aches for him.

And the ‘dad’ in me feels damn good that he feels he can come to me, openly and honestly, with this.

I think I did good raising that pup…

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Dating?

I wrote about a self-introspection (is that redundantly repetitive?) in anticipation of slowly getting back into dating.

It will be an adventure for me.  I was the fat, shy kid in high school.  I did not date that much.  Hell, I barely dated.  While university found me not so fat anymore, I remained shy.  And did not date that much then either.  Then I got married.  And here, 30 years later, I have to relearn something I never really learned well in the first place–How to date.

So, does my loyal readership care?  Should I share that new adventure via my blog post?  Like other things in this journey of divorce and rediscovering my life, whether you read it or not, I find comfort in jotting down my thoughts.  It helps clarify what I’m thinking…or not thinking.  And, honestly, I’d prefer to have the advice of any of you over ten Oprahs or Doctor Phils (both of whom bug the hell out of me).

I’ve still a ways to go, as mentioned in that other post, before I even can start dating.  But I find myself pondering how to best update once I do.

On one post, the author, Penfold, ends each of his posts with either “I surfed today” or “I didn’t surf today”.

Perhaps that’s what I should to – “I dated today” or “I didn’t date today”.

I’ve also heard of a lost soul who blogs in England and indicates, by time, how long it’s been since he’s had sex:  “It’s been 53 days since I’ve had sex.”

Maybe I could employ a combo of the two?  “I got laid today” or “I didn’t get laid, but had a grand time by myself today…”.

Yeah, all of that’s likely TMI.  And, honestly, I wouldn’t feel too comfortable sharing that, even here.

I will, however, throw a few nuggets out occasionally… just stick with talking through the thoughts, fears, and questions of dating.  Again, I value my readers’ opinions much more so than any too highly paid talking head.

Rule One, Rule Two

I introduced my friend, Dr. Jim, in a prior post.

Dr. Jim preceded me in divorcing his 1st wife some 20 years ago.  As me friend, he has in the past and continues to counsel and advise me on life issues, to include my marital issues (culminating, obviously, in my own divorce).

I expressed a concern to him, long ago, about being both alone and lonely—especially the physical and sexual intimacies I knew (and still know) I desired.

He captures the essence of what is likely known by everyone (including me), but put it in terms which were readily understandable and resonate well with me.  It will serve as a touchstone to my dating adventures I’m embarking upon.

While this concept was explained for my benefit, as a man, I am very sure (sorry guys, I am) that it could equally be applied by swapping genders for the following:

Dr. Jim’s “Rules For Women”

Rule ONE:  All women are crazy.  No exceptions.  It is, however, clearly a matter of ‘how much’.

 

even good looking can't compensate for too crazy

 

Rule TWO:  You still gotta get laid.

 

Men are...well...men...

 

Therefore—you have to balance the degree to which a woman is crazy against the degree to which you gotta get laid.  With this rule, there are clearly some women you should not sleep with.  And, with this rule, there may come a time where you must sleep with someone you shouldn’t have.

Now, obviously, figuring out those “degrees” is the difficult part.  Some women hide their craziness better than others.

But…

Yep…

Still going to date.

Baselining Capabilities

Well…so here I am…divorced.

There’s not really a hurry, but I am thinking about dating.  At least finding some more of the opposite sex to hang out with and do things with—yeah, hopefully including a bit more intimacy.  And, no, honestly, this is not the first I’ve been thinking on this.  It’s been on my mind for quite awhile.  I already do have friends I hang out with, female and male.  Just expanding my horizons a bit, if you will, for more intimate partners in life’s explorations.

So, I’m doing a bit of introspective thought on myself, trying to gauge how to go forward with this dating thing.  And I’ve come up with the following facts (really happened) and potential fiction (could happen, might not).

This is my first time really living alone.   I had a single room in the dormitory at university, but that’s not totally living alone (shared bathrooms, cafeteria eating, etc.).   Between graduation from university and getting married, I sort of lived alone for two months.   But, given I was looking to the marriage and being inundated with a new job, I didn’t really feel like I was living alone.  Now—I am living alone.   It’s all up to me.

When I was in high school, I was a bit overweight—not the fat kid everyone made fun of, but enough so that it gave me self image issues.  Couple that with (or becoming because of?) being painfully shy* and you got someone who never really dated much.  Two semi-steady girlfriends in high school and one steady girlfriend, who I ended up marrying, at university.   So, it’s not that I’m out of practice in dating.  No, more so that I never really learned to date.  And, looking inward, I still see that inexperienced teenager lurking and whispering to the adult me** who is starting into this dating thing.

Now, on the plus side, many of the women my age who are dating are widows or divorced.  As such, they, too, are out of practice in dating***.  Couple all this with 25-35 years of life experience granting (some of) us more wisdom, the basic rules I vaguely knew in high school no longer apply.  And, for now, how to go forward is as yet unknowable to me.   I will be making this up as I go forward.

That said, and in keeping with my promised to myself to try new things, I will date.

I will make mistakes…not maybe, not likely, WILL.  I will have to be patient with my own mistakes.  Likewise, I will have to be patient with others.

I will, without meaning to, occasionally hurt others.  And, likewise, can expect to be hurt.

I must accept that I will be rejected.  And, I must learn to reject, graciously, those who are not right for me.

Whew…… This will be a grand experiment.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*Actually found out later that many people didn’t see me as shy, rather as stuck up.  Go figure…

**”adult me” – HA! please forgive the exaggeration

***I’ve already recognized…and seen personally…the danger here as some of these same women are desperately looking to not be alone and want deep and sincere commitment early.  As my best friend so eloquently put it, they have the “It’s our second date, where should I put my furniture” syndrome.