Posts Tagged ‘assassin squirrels’

They’re BACK!

January 21, 2009

Just when you thought it was safe… they’re baaa-ack!

Yes, another Sciuridae attack.  As I have reported before, this is a chronic and heinous pattern of crime sprees by these squirrelish rodentia!  This time, it was innocent young children!!  When will the horror end?  The CNN report is below.  FLAMES this time!

When Squirrels Attack!

When Squirrels Attack!

(image stolen from a Flickr Site)

There have been efforts by vigilantes that have had some success.  But, with the new administration starting at full speed today, surely they will put this as a highest priority.  Write your Congressperson NOW!  Think of the children!

And seek out their leader, U.K.  Seek him out, hunt him down, and teach him a squirrelly lesson he’ll never forget!


Firefighters: Flaming Squirrel To Blame In Jones Wildfire

Students Moved From Elementary To High School

POSTED: 11:16 am CST January 21, 2009
UPDATED: 1:41 pm CST January 21, 2009

JONES, Okla. — A squirrel caught fire, sparking a blaze Wednesday
morning that resulted in the evacuation of an elementary school in
Jones, fire officials said.

Wildfire Forces School Evacuation
Raw Video: Jones Wildfire
Crews Battle Wildfire In NW OKC

Investigators said the squirrel touched two power lines at the same time
and fell to the ground near Britton and Hiawassee roads.

That fire burned 5 acres in the Jones area, forcing the evacuation of
the elementary school. Those students were taken to Jones High School.

School officials said the students would be kept at the high school for
the rest of the day. Parents will be able to pick them up at the normal
time, although some parents have already come to the school to pick up

Several trailers burned in the fire. However, there were no known
reports of injuries.

Stay tuned to for any further details.


Update – Assassin Squirrels

July 24, 2008

We interrupt the whimsical, comedic hit soap opera which normally airs at this time to bring you this serious news update to our Assassin Squirrel story – –

The Assassin Squirrel scourge is, unfortunately, still with us. However, an elite Homeland Security organization is taking steps to track down these furry terrorists and dispatch them. With swift and lethal action, this team is ensuring our safety and future livelihoods. God bless them…

The self-declared evil leadership responsible for the legion of Assassin Squirrels, purported to go by “UK”, could not be reached for comment.

We will keep you apprised of further updates to this important, serious news story.

…and now, back to the comedic stylings of GnuKid’s popular “Life’s Soap Opera”…

Assassin Squirrels

May 12, 2008

I consider myself lucky to have a fun biking partner who keeps me company on rides. Last fall, we encountered a concept which has opened my eyes to a new threat to us humans – – assassin squirrels.

It all started with a ride on the bike path we take, which at the time was covered with fallen autumn leaves. I rode over some of the leaves, creating the expected rustling, crackling noise, subdued some by the morning air. My friend, riding ahead of me, must have thought the noise came from above. She looked upward and asked what the noise was.

I immediately (and nonsensically) replied, “Squirrels!” She countered (equally nonsensically … which is why I so enjoy her company), “Assassin Squirrels?” I added, “…and they’re coming to get us!” And a theme was born.

Thinking this all just grand fun, I was surprised later to find several news stories of just such sinister creatures. To quote just three (of many I found!) – –

— “The squirrel menace … returned with a vengeance on Monday, when a rogue squirrel attacked a postal worker as she delivered letters.”

— “A … Toyota Camry last week suffered a sciurine* kamikaze attack during which a flaming squirrel** fell onto the vehicle, slid into the engine compartment and provoked an explosion which destroyed the parked vehicle…”

And even pets aren’t safe:

— “Squirrels have bitten to death a stray dog which was barking at them in a Russian park, local media report.”

Citizens of the world, no longer can we turn a blind eye to this threat of Mother Nature’s terrorism! They. Are. Out. There. Please, take immediate precautions —

1) When in wooded areas, always carry a can of Squirrel-Be-Gone®

2) Consider wearing non-flammable clothing

3) There is no “3”

4) Do NOT make eye contact with squirrels

5) Always floss after meals

Notify authorities at once if you are the victim of the dreaded assassin squirrels! Be careful out there…


* I think “sciurine” is a cool word

** I’d quip that “Flaming Squirrels” would be a great name for a band, but there already is one —