Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

They’re BACK!

January 21, 2009

Just when you thought it was safe… they’re baaa-ack!

Yes, another Sciuridae attack.  As I have reported before, this is a chronic and heinous pattern of crime sprees by these squirrelish rodentia!  This time, it was innocent young children!!  When will the horror end?  The CNN report is below.  FLAMES this time!

When Squirrels Attack!

When Squirrels Attack!

(image stolen from a Flickr Site)

There have been efforts by vigilantes that have had some success.  But, with the new administration starting at full speed today, surely they will put this as a highest priority.  Write your Congressperson NOW!  Think of the children!

And seek out their leader, U.K.  Seek him out, hunt him down, and teach him a squirrelly lesson he’ll never forget!

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Firefighters: Flaming Squirrel To Blame In Jones Wildfire

Students Moved From Elementary To High School

POSTED: 11:16 am CST January 21, 2009
UPDATED: 1:41 pm CST January 21, 2009

JONES, Okla. — A squirrel caught fire, sparking a blaze Wednesday
morning that resulted in the evacuation of an elementary school in
Jones, fire officials said.

Wildfire Forces School Evacuation
Raw Video: Jones Wildfire
Crews Battle Wildfire In NW OKC

Investigators said the squirrel touched two power lines at the same time
and fell to the ground near Britton and Hiawassee roads.

That fire burned 5 acres in the Jones area, forcing the evacuation of
the elementary school. Those students were taken to Jones High School.

School officials said the students would be kept at the high school for
the rest of the day. Parents will be able to pick them up at the normal
time, although some parents have already come to the school to pick up
kids.

Several trailers burned in the fire. However, there were no known
reports of injuries.

Stay tuned to KOCO.com for any further details.

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The Eyes Have It

December 31, 2008

Last night I joined some of my theater and work peeps at the local drinkery.  A few new (gnu?) faces there, including one young guy who was home from University and, as a theater type, was invited along by my friend DK.

After mumblety drinks in a short time span, we were soon quite toasted happy and, as often happens then, conversations go in strange and wondrous directions.

Aside from two of the geekier members of the party having a race to see who could use their iPhone fastest to Google “Rusty Trombone” and “Cleveland Steamer” and “Dirty Sanchez”, one of the seven simultaneous conversations revolved around the relative creepiness of cows and goats. 

 We always often on occasion buy appetizers to share around the table* and one of the better (a very close second to the curry fries) is the goat cheese spread with pita bread.  Gooey, gloppy, warm goodness that goes with just about** any beer served there.  Talk of goats led the young guy to start off on the cows v. goats tirade.  When offered some of the goat cheese, he declined, claiming that goats were evil hell spawn, and would stick with cheese from its ‘proper’ source – cows.

Huh?

Young Guy (YG):  Well yeah… look, who worships cows?  Hindus.  They’re good and peaceful people.  So the cow must be good and peaceful.  Now, who uses goats in their worship?  Satanists!  Goats equate to evil and meanness.  And, if you need more proof?  Look at the eyes of the cow and the goat…  when you look in a cow’s eyes, you see this peaceful, calming gaze returned to you.  Now, look in the eyes of the goat… you can almost feel him plotting to hurt you.  You can see the fire and brimstone lurking there.  Therefore, any product from that animal…like goat cheese…must be evil and wicked as well.  Part of Satan’s sinister plot to fatten the world***.  I won’t eat goat cheese!

 Much laughter ensued through the whole thing.  But it got us thinking…

 

safe and peaceful

safe and peaceful

 

 

 

 

 

evil lurks here

evil lurks here

 Makes you wonder just what they’re teaching at University nowadays…

 …and, yeah, okay… the goat cheese was STILL delicious! 

And we got a couple free drinks and appetizers because we were the most fun table!

 …and, by the way, while doing research for this, I found you can get your artificial goat eyes  

 …and you can get your preserved cow eyes for $13.50/10 (& cow uterus, testicles, and more!) 

 Ain’t science and the interweb wonderful?

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*There’s a certain ‘nobility of dieting’ by claiming you are “sharing” food, when in actuality we are using it as an excuse to buy the high-calorie taste extravaganzas for ourselves.  By claiming we are sharing (okay, yeah, we do…some), we can justify getting the taste treats we want while thinking that the calories we don’t want skitter across the table to the other people, thereby leaving us weight-gain-less!  In other words?  We are totally fooling ourselves.

 **This is one of those places that prides itself in having a couple dozen international brews on tap, complete with their marketing mugs unique to that beer, plus another couple dozen brands found only in bottles.  I said “…just about…” because, quite honestly?  Some of those beers taste rather revolting disgusting puke-arific questionable.

 ***…or his selected minions.  And a few of us around the table are already on Satan’s list, having reservations and hand baskets at the ready when we’re done here on earth.

Priestly Pranks

December 29, 2008

…no, not “that” kind.  The Church is still paying through the nose for all of “those” kinds of pranks played by its priests.

Girl Child is home from University and spreading her time between her mother, me, and her friends (as well as the occasional odd job to earn cash to support her world wandering habits).  She shared a story from a dinner visit to one of her friends. 

Now, Girl Child is a vegetarian.  Not a militant vegetarian, but she’ll avoid any ‘beastly’ products that she can.  She was visiting one of her Irish dance buddies and was invited to stay for dinner.  They knew of her veggie tendencies, with her friend’s younger brother teasing her about being a vegetarian being “just wrong”.  Also at the dinner was the priest that recently married Daughter Person’s friend.  Unsurprisingly, the priest was asked to say “Grace” before the meal.  As Girl Child described it – – –

“Dear Lord, thank you for us being able to gather together here.  Thank you for the friendship of those around this table.  Oh, and especially thank you for providing us with animals.  Thank you for the cow, from whom we get tasty beef.  Thank you for the pig and his bacon, pork, and ribs, juicy and succulent.  Thank you for the deer, the chicken, and other manners of animals from whom we get delicious meat products that we may enjoy at our mealtimes.  Amen!”

Who said priests don’t have a sense of humor

Noted

December 4, 2008

A recent university study examined what women find attractive in a man, as affected by their menstrual cycle…

The results were stunningly clear and consistent across 95.8% of women…

When a woman is ovulating, she is looking for a man who is ruggedly handsome.

When a woman is menstruating, she is looking for a man with duct tape across his mouth, a spear in his chest, lit on fire, and leaving her the hell alone.

No further studies of this phenomena are planned…

(and, oh hell no, i didn’t write this, but had to pass it along…if nothing else to warn the still clueless men out there who don’t understand this basic principle)

Entertainment in The Wilds

September 30, 2008

Okay, so here I am on the frontier of a whole lot of not much – flat plains and lots of good old, wholesome, middle America common sense.

…but we sure can have some fun…

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Woman Wearing Cow Suit Charged With Disorderly Conduct

MIDDLETOWN — A Middletown woman is accused of being disorderly in public — while wearing a cow suit.

 

A police report filed about the incident said Michelle Allen allegedly chased children in her neighborhood while wearing the suit on Monday evening.

 

Allen also urinated on a neighbor’s front porch, the report said, and was warned by officers to go home and stay there.

 

Allen was charged with disorderly conduct after an officer found her causing traffic problems on North Verity Parkway.

 

The officer’s report stated that Allen was verbally abusive to him on the trip to jail and smelled of alcohol.

 

The report did not speculate as to why Allen was wearing the cow suit.

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That last line makes me pause and, in the words of Stephanie, give a questioning “Barooo?”. 

Does this happen enough in The Wilds that the police forces just yawn at ‘yet another woman in a cow suit’?  Hmmm…

Nonetheless, I’m thinking that, once I can find me a bull costume, that woman and I can do some down home fun partying…

Apoidea Anger

August 24, 2008

…(and still being in avoidance of The D Word issues, a quick and brainless story)…

Daughter Person (… yes, and Spousal Unit [heavy sigh]) have returned from visiting family. My virtual vacation is over. But, nonetheless, it is very good to see the Girl Child again.

More stories to come from her about her trip, I’m sure, but the first one she told me about had to be shared.

Daughter Person, though of adult age (just), is still my daughter. So, when she wears a pair of pants that rides all the way down to just north of her hoo-hoo forest… or wears shorts that are cut so short that an ill-timed bend-over would run the chance of revealing more than just her modesty… my Dad genes take over and I chastise her choice, suggesting she wear something much less revealing

(Ed. Note: As a side thought… I do realize the irony of chiding the Girl Child over wearing such clothes while knowing–and accepting–that my still active hormones likewise cause me to seek out just such revealing costumery in women more of my age… okay, within 15 years of my age. I’m a mess and admit it…).

So Girl Child shares that she was wearing one of her too short shorts while taking a side trip yesterday. On getting back in the car, she unknowingly let a bee (species Apoidea… there’s the title reference!) into the car.

Girl Child: …but that’s not the worst of it, Dad. It somehow landed on the seat just before I sat down.

GnuKid: Ooo, did it sting you on your “Byew-tocks*”?

Girl Child: No [wince]… it stung me in my crotchal region…

Ouch! (but serves her right for wearing those shorts!) [and Pop is proud of Daughter Person adjectivizing those nouns…{chuckle}…’crotchal’…]

And, yeah, she’s feeling just fine…

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*This pronunciation of ‘buttocks’ is an affectation I picked up from watching Lee Marvin in the movie “Cat Ballou”.

Update – Assassin Squirrels

July 24, 2008

We interrupt the whimsical, comedic hit soap opera which normally airs at this time to bring you this serious news update to our Assassin Squirrel story – –

The Assassin Squirrel scourge is, unfortunately, still with us. However, an elite Homeland Security organization is taking steps to track down these furry terrorists and dispatch them. With swift and lethal action, this team is ensuring our safety and future livelihoods. God bless them…

The self-declared evil leadership responsible for the legion of Assassin Squirrels, purported to go by “UK”, could not be reached for comment.

We will keep you apprised of further updates to this important, serious news story.

…and now, back to the comedic stylings of GnuKid’s popular “Life’s Soap Opera”…