That Time Of Year

### WARNING:  Guy Medical Stuff Talked About Here ###

On reaching a certain tender age (usually mid to late 40s), men finally start to personally experience invasive medical examinations.  It is, admittedly, not nearly as invasive as those our female counterparts have been enduring annually since puberty.

This being the prostate exam.

Supposed to be done annually by my doc, it involves manually probing the prostate to feel for swelling or bumps (as well as other stuff, one of which led to my first [and only, so far] colonoscopy.  Now, it just so happens that the prostate is buried a few inches up our butt.  So, obviously, to achieve the ‘hands on’ experience, the doc must insert his finger up there.

Due to an “event”*, my doc is taking a vacation from the practice.  While there is still an MD-type doc on call, the daily patient care is now done by a nurse practitioner**.  This nurse practitioner happens to be a female.

We had a brief discussion on my comfort*** with her doing the exam, especially considering this was the first I met her.  The chat included my “you be the professional health care provider, I’ll be the professional asshole” line from that first colonoscopy.

Now, I have to mention that this nurse practitioner was on the petite side.  I also note that she is a hottie, emphasized to me when she leaned over the exam table, looking back at me over her shoulder, to demonstrate how she wanted me to position myself for the exam.  Ummm…wow…

…but I digress…

Taking my position, I dropped my pants and boxers to my ankles.  As expected and is usual, there was a bit of discomfort when she started the exam.

But then I was surprised by a second, more determined assault.

And further astonished by yet a third, accompanied by her actually grunting with effort, while seeming to dig wildly.

[By this time, I’m picturing her, with a resolute look on her face, jumping up before ‘diving in’, to provide just that much more leverage and…ahem…thrust.]

Finally, after even another onslaught of a probing finger, she declared victory and directed me to pull my pants back up.

I was tempted to ask her for a cigarette…

By way of apology for what she knew was, in American football parlance, “unnecessary roughness”, she allowed as how she needed to feel the entire prostate gland.  But, with her small hands, proportional to her petite figure, and short fingers, she found it difficult to get to the far side of said gland without the added exertion.  Even with that effort , she said she still couldn’t quite get far enough up there, despite me feeling like she was making way for her to park her car or something.  But, enough so that she declared me…well, my prostate… normal.

But, despite all the ‘fun’****, it was for the good purpose of making sure I was healthy.  So, guys?  Get out there and get your prostate checked!  (especially if you can find a hot female doc or nurse practitioner!)

…and bring your cigarettes.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*Let your mind go wild, I’m not saying…

**Though still able to prescribe medications and do just about everything an MD can do, they’re still considered “doc-lite” by some.  Or “nurse on steroids”.  Or “almost a doc”.  Me?  Don’t care, as long as they’re capable…like this one.

***Ha!  “Comfort” – – – A seeming oxymoron considering what a rectal exam is.

**** Okay, I do admit to a just a very slight bit of titillation at the whole thing in retrospect—good looking woman and all…  Kinky?  Yeah.  I can live with that.

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4 Responses to “That Time Of Year”

  1. Stephanie of Stopbouncing Says:

    part of my genetics requires the a 5-year check-up of the back end.
    Ugh.
    I totally can appreciate your pain.
    “Goin’ all the way up to the elbow doc?”

  2. Rob Says:

    “MOON RIVER!”

    “Hey Doc, you ever do time?”

    At least you wouldn’t have to worry about rolling off the table due to the reaction of another male bodily part, eh?

    Reminds me. Note to self. “Make appt. for prostate check.”

    kthxbai

  3. silverstar98121 Says:

    Aren’t medical procedures fun? Check my blog for my most recent mashup with medicine.

  4. daisyfae Says:

    new reality series in the works: midget proctologist

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