Winter Follies

I used to like telling people, with a slight sighing swagger in my voice, “A third of the time I ski, I ski the Bavarian Alps.”

I have to change that now. And it doesn’t sound quite so cool to say, “A quarter of the time I ski, I ski in the Bavarian Alps.”

the lure of marketing

the lure of marketing

Yep. After yesterday, I’ve been skiing all of four (count ’em – – 4!) times in my life.  The first couple times were long, long ago and done with the pure zeal of youth…no lessons taken.  The last time WAS in Bavaria.   I was lucky enough to score a business trip over to Belgium and decided to tack on a few vacation days at the end of the trip and go to Bavaria where I skiied the Zugspitz.  I didn’t take lessons then either.  Luckily, I lived.

Now, that was some 20 years and 30 pounds ago. I was in MUCH better shape then.*  Knowing this to be true, I nonetheless decided to venture to a local ski place.    After all, why just watch the snow from inside (even if it is warmer) when you can be doing something.  I got a burr under my saddle and decided to act on it.  Conniving Convincing one of my ski bunny-esque friends to go with me, we aimed the car to the only known semblance of a hill within an hour of us.**

Since I hadn’t been on skis for 20 years… and my cohort was on her second ski adventure…we agreed to hang out on the bunny slope and take lessons before braving one of the “oh-my-god-we’re-gonna-die” bigger, steeper hills.

On hitting the bunny slope, we were both struck by the fact that there were kids no more than 5 years old who were skiing with much more proficiency and fearlessness*** than we were.  We both had to suppress the urge to knock over the little motherfuckers angels.

The lesson wasn’t much of a lesson as the instructor making sure we wouldn’t kill ourselves outright, then taking us right up to a green circle**** hill to watch me us flail and fall our way down the hillside.

crash #7

crash #7

A side note, on the ski lift up, we passed a tree that was full of bras and panties.  The instructor allowed as how there’s a “bra tree” like that at most every ski resort he’s been to.  I’ll leave it to your imagination as to how said dainties got there.

wouldn't 'the girls' get cold?

wouldn't 'the girls' get cold?

After barely surviving skiing down the green circle slope, the instructor aimed us to a different ski lift.  I asked if there was another green circle slope at the top and he assured me there was… lying bastard.  It was the next level of difficulty…the blue square slope.

It was on this slope that I learned I could, while trying to stop by turning uphill, actually do a 360 degree turn on my skis and stay upright.  Like I planned that…NOT.  It was also on this slope that my ski bunny partner failed to stop in time and gloriously planted herself in a snow bank on the side of the slope, wrenching her knee in the process and (thankfully?) ending our ski day.

We’ll be back.  Despite all the falling (ow!), we both had a superb time.

But, for now, I’m off to get another Advil.
*…although “round” is a shape, if you recall your kindergarten lessons, so I guess, technically, you could say that I’m STILL in shape.

**yes, Ohio, particulary the western side of the state, is pretty damned flat.  But, I’ve lived in Kansas, Toto, and know what ‘flat’ truly is, so won’t fuss too much.

***my friend theorized that kids that age don’t know enough to be afraid of racing down a hill on two small pieces of wax covered resin.  i theorized that, being small and having a center of gravity a foot or so off the ground, made for much less dramatic and painful falls.

****for those who don’t ski, there are codes for how tough the hills are.  the easiest (not counting the beginner bunny slope) is the green circle.  the most insane and brutal is the black double diamond.

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15 Responses to “Winter Follies”

  1. silverstar98121 Says:

    Although I was raised in Colorado, the only times I’ve benn to ski resorts is in the summer, when it’s safe and cheap. My ankles used to turn if I stepped on a pebble. I would have been crippled much earlier if I’d skied. I did go to Philadelphia one Christmas with my foot in a cast (trying to repair said ankle). Eventually, I just gave up and told everybody I broke it skiing. It was easier than explaining.
    My Dad didn’t start skiing until he was 56. He skiied until he managed to sustain a spiral fracture of his femur, which necessitated a lear jet trip to Denver. He was 65. My mother took his skis away after that. I admire old farts that get out and do stuff. I started camping alone when I was 43, and took Tai Chi and Kung Fu for several years. Wish I’d done it earlier.

  2. imeantno Says:

    So now I know why you’re drinking heavily.

  3. daisyfae Says:

    ski bunny-esque? does that mean she was a ski-troll?

  4. Miss P Says:

    Seems like you had a good day out.
    Which is just as well.
    ‘cos it could have ended like this.
    And that would have been …. well … wrong 😈

  5. nursemyra Says:

    I’m not very keen on diamonds anyway…..

  6. kyknoord Says:

    I suppose if you are hell-bent on killing yourself, skiing is a pretty cool way to do it.

  7. thegnukid Says:

    silverstar – i like your dad’s style. and since there’s no one to “hide my skis”, i can go on having reckless fun. but… did you just call me an “old fart”? grrrr…

    imeantno – no, the drinking heavily was for other life ‘fun’. Advil was for the muscle aches and pains.

    daisyfae – actually, she’s a ski vixen. she doesn’t like me saying so and doesn’t believe me, but i find her quite attractive. especially so sunday when i saw her coming down the hill with a look of terror on her face.

    miss p – damn, i missed an opportunity to air out ‘the boys’. an excellent idea for next time on the slopes, wrong or no.

    nursemyra – then we’ll stick with the green emerald or blue sapphire

    kyknoord – not hell bent on killing myself… just slightly maiming while having a great time.

  8. The Unbearable Banishment Says:

    I joined the ski club in high school. We thought the main point of skiing was to see how much weed you could smoke in the chair lift on the way up the hill. As you can imagine, I never made past “snow is plowing.” My balance was always compromised.

  9. Stephanie of Stopbouncing Says:

    well, at least the instructor gave you enough skills to make it out of the establishment in one piece.
    Not to mention that you didn’t get strung upside down on the lift.

  10. anniegirl1138 Says:

    I went skiing once. An old boyfriend who thought that after a 30 minute lesson I would have no trouble on the blue trails which I promptly fell half way down and was quite upset (anything that endangered my legs horrified the runner in me). He dumped me the day after we got back from that ski weekend because he didn’t like girls who caused “scenes”. I made sure to do nothing but be “seen” out and about at nearly every place he would be for a couple of months after that and always with a date who would invariably ask him at some point why on earth he dumped someone as great as me. He was a putz though. I met my first husband during that time and he totally agreed with my assessment.

  11. thegnukid Says:

    t.u.b. – i’m not seeing a problem with your logic. but, sigh, being respectable and all in the company (and subject to the occasional pee test), i have to be good.

    stephanie – no, i didn’t get butt naked on the slopes… but i am willing to learn!

    annie – clever girl. every putz needs a comeuppance at least once in their lives. unfortunately, many need multiple applications.

  12. Miss P Says:

    What a pity. A bit of weed is never a bad thing.
    Did I just let the cat out of the bag … bugger.
    Haven’t done that in years.
    No serious. Genuine. Not since my varsity days.
    On the life of my first born.
    We called it giggly twig.
    Fun days …

  13. thegnukid Says:

    miss p – i. am. shocked. shocked, i say. and i wasn’t invited? a travesty. ;->

  14. Sassy Miss P Says:

    What shocks me is the focus is that picture. Any reason why there’s a “halo” focused on the, er, crotch region, of the unfortunate bastard lying in the snow? I mean, granted, he doesn’t look like he’s up to much but you know que sera sera … 😉

  15. thegnukid Says:

    miss p – it’s a psychological test to see who comments on it. you’re the one in a million. now, “one in a million” what, i’m not sure, but you certainly are!

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