Dip Top

…and there was great cheering…

Yesterday was the last day for one of the enginerds in my office. 

We called him ‘Dip Top’. 

Dip Top is 40-something and going gray.  As many do, he decided to color his hair to hide the gray.  But…he sucked at coloring his hair.  It usually looked like someone grabbed him by the ankles and dipped him in a tub of coal tar, leaving just enough gray showing to highlight the fact he was coloring…poorly.  Now, as to that “…grabbed him by the ankles…” line?  Not likely possible as he is a hefty 300 pounds.  Most of it around his middle.  I mention it only to complete the picture of the guy.

So, what things endeared this spritely little fellow to us office minions?

–  Dip Top was convinced he was God’s gift to the office, confused that we had lasted so long without him.  He openly announced his intentions…nay, his due right and expectations to a promotion.

–  Dip Top was consulting other teams in the organization, just like the rest of us.  But, any time there was a meeting, he would conveniently find an excuse that would require one of the rest of us to take his place.  After all, we had the organization’s good name to protect.  When he couldn’t finagle one of us to take the meeting, he would often show up late.

–  And that ‘late’ thing?  Sure, we all…on occasion…will show up to work a few minutes or leave a few minutes early.  Dip Top made a game of showing up half an hour late and leaving half an hour early as many days as he could.

–  He was a permanent student.  My organization demands we keep up with our training by taking the OCCASIONAL class.  Dip Top spent every moment available taking classes.  Obviously, he was unable to support the teams he was assigned as a result.  And we would have to pick up the slack.

–  Having arranged a long range date with a lady on the opposite side of the world (using the company phone), he began to set up his vacation plans… again, on the company phone  Finding that he could not find any of his family to care for his 8-year old son, he began going around the office to try and get one of us to care for the kid – – for two weeks.  Okay, yeah, if we liked the guy, we might consider a few days…but a couple weeks?  And we didn’t like him?  Uh-uh.

–  Other than the rest of us having to do his job (while he still lays claim to deserving a promotion), there are other ‘stories’.  But the topper – – –

Dip Top has no manners to speak of.  Specifically, I’m talking about audible bodily functions.  He will think nothing of—right in the middle of a meeting–ripping off a rumbling fart, follow it with a meaty belch, and then?  Well, “…and then…” nothing.  No apology.  Life goes on.  Maybe this is okay in some parts of the world, but I can’t imagine what part of the world that would be (so, enlighten me, o pan-continent e-readers, as to whether I’m just naïve).  This is a business operation.  With customers and everything.  This aural exhibit of bodily noises is not a once-in-awhile thing.  It is daily…and often.  The cube neighbor I referred to earlier gives us frequent updates…too frequent.  We can only imagine what our customer thinks of these resounding and random displays.

Dip Top has refused to leave the organization, at least not without the promotion he feels he deserves.  But no one else in the business complex wants him promoted.

But, finally, we found someone who will take him.  And we finally have a boss who will make him leave our office.  And he is finally leaving.  And we can finally try to regain our customer base.

I’m sure some (many?) of you have similar people working in your businesses.  Hopefully you, too, will be able to wish them a ‘bon voyage’.

Buh-bye, Dip Top.

Tags: baritone burpage, dip top, felonious flatulence, Office, promotion expectations