Last night I joined some of my theater and work peeps at the local drinkery. A few new (gnu?) faces there, including one young guy who was home from University and, as a theater type, was invited along by my friend DK.
After mumblety drinks in a short time span, we were soon quite toasted happy and, as often happens then, conversations go in strange and wondrous directions.
Aside from two of the geekier members of the party having a race to see who could use their iPhone fastest to Google “Rusty Trombone” and “Cleveland Steamer” and “Dirty Sanchez”, one of the seven simultaneous conversations revolved around the relative creepiness of cows and goats.
We always often on occasion buy appetizers to share around the table* and one of the better (a very close second to the curry fries) is the goat cheese spread with pita bread. Gooey, gloppy, warm goodness that goes with just about** any beer served there. Talk of goats led the young guy to start off on the cows v. goats tirade. When offered some of the goat cheese, he declined, claiming that goats were evil hell spawn, and would stick with cheese from its ‘proper’ source – cows.
Huh?
Young Guy (YG): Well yeah… look, who worships cows? Hindus. They’re good and peaceful people. So the cow must be good and peaceful. Now, who uses goats in their worship? Satanists! Goats equate to evil and meanness. And, if you need more proof? Look at the eyes of the cow and the goat… when you look in a cow’s eyes, you see this peaceful, calming gaze returned to you. Now, look in the eyes of the goat… you can almost feel him plotting to hurt you. You can see the fire and brimstone lurking there. Therefore, any product from that animal…like goat cheese…must be evil and wicked as well. Part of Satan’s sinister plot to fatten the world***. I won’t eat goat cheese!
Much laughter ensued through the whole thing. But it got us thinking…
safe and peaceful
evil lurks here
Makes you wonder just what they’re teaching at University nowadays…
…and, yeah, okay… the goat cheese was STILL delicious!
And we got a couple free drinks and appetizers because we were the most fun table!
…and, by the way, while doing research for this, I found you can get your artificial goat eyes
…and you can get your preserved cow eyes for $13.50/10 (& cow uterus, testicles, and more!)
Ain’t science and the interweb wonderful?
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*There’s a certain ‘nobility of dieting’ by claiming you are “sharing” food, when in actuality we are using it as an excuse to buy the high-calorie taste extravaganzas for ourselves. By claiming we are sharing (okay, yeah, we do…some), we can justify getting the taste treats we want while thinking that the calories we don’t want skitter across the table to the other people, thereby leaving us weight-gain-less! In other words? We are totally fooling ourselves.
**This is one of those places that prides itself in having a couple dozen international brews on tap, complete with their marketing mugs unique to that beer, plus another couple dozen brands found only in bottles. I said “…just about…” because, quite honestly? Some of those beers taste rather revolting disgusting puke-a–rific questionable.
***…or his selected minions. And a few of us around the table are already on Satan’s list, having reservations and hand baskets at the ready when we’re done here on earth.
Tags: cow safe eyes, creative drinking, education, goat evil eyes, learning through alcohol
The Wilds of Ohio 
January 1, 2009 at 05:05 |
Cows look safe and peaceful because they are stupid. That isn’t a peaceful stare, it’s a vacant stare. I’ve known Capricorns and Tauruses, and the Tauruses have a mode of life like “what, me move?” Capricorns are much more fun. It has been suggested that the American people are getting dumber because we eat too many stupid animals (cows, chickens, turkeys) and not enough smart ones (goats, deer). Maybe Daughter Person has the right idea in being a veggie, but I will continue to maintain my membership in People Eating Tasty Animals.
Anyway, Happy New Year! And see you down there when your reservation comes up.
January 1, 2009 at 06:02 |
When it comes to Satanism I would have thought that the black cockerel was a likely candidate for evil and mayhem. Or is that voodoo? Bah humbug. People should quit reading all sorts of crap into things. And besides which the animal with the dumbest stare EVER has to be a sheep. Particularly when it’s gazing at you from a petri dish in science lab [remember having to dissect an eyeball in Biology when you were at school?] or even worse, from your dinner plate. If you’ve never had the latter privilege consider yourself fortunate and stay away from Kurdish and Bedouin cuisine 😈
January 1, 2009 at 10:30 |
hmmm…. i look into cow eyes and see “love”. i look into goat eyes and see “i’m gonna cut you when you sleep, muthafuckah”. But i like feta… i’ll take my chances!
January 1, 2009 at 17:37 |
Interesting treatise, for sure.
Reminds me of a goat story from my Kansas days……
One of my fellow engineers (and I use the word “fellow” loosely) there was quite an interesting character. Although he had an advanced degree (Masters), the guy seemed to be dumber than a sack of hammers when it came to most common sense things. (I found out later that he had been in a hang gliding accident and nearly died. However, rather than feel sympathetic I was more like, “Ahhhh, that explains it….”)
But I digress. Back to the goats.
Said engineer bought himself a rural property on the outskirts of Coffeyville. Rather than mow the grass, he figured he would get a couple of goats to help keep the grass in the pasture at bay.
As I heard the story, he backs his truck up to his pasture gate with two newly acquired goats in the back. He let the first out of the truck and into the pasture. It ran across the pasture, jumped through the fence and disappeared into the neighbouring woods.
Non-plussed, he let the second one out of the truck and into the pasture. It, too, ran across the pasture, jumped through the fence and disappeared after the first one into the woods.
He never saw those goats again….
I guess, perhaps, goats are evil.
January 1, 2009 at 22:06 |
silverstar – i’ll be the one with the chicken bone lodged in my throat. and you are what you eat? eat stupid, be stupid? yeah, i can live with that.
parenthesis – worms and frogs i dissected…no eyeballs. and you won’t have to tell me twice to stay away from eyeball-based cuisine. ewww… and where’s the fun if you can’t be a narrow-minded, literal when reading into things?
daisyfae – so, we kill the goats before they can kill us. that seems reasonable. ooo, but then no feta. i see your point. i’m guessing we’ll just have to sleep with a can of Goat-B-Gon ® by the bed, huh?
rob – actually laughing out loud! that is priceless. an engineer outwitted by a goat–twice! being a program
manglermanager, that makes goats my new hero!January 2, 2009 at 09:25 |
YG’s logic makes me baroo.
January 2, 2009 at 20:25 |
stephanie – we were trying our best to counter his logic. but if his is coming in sideways in the first place, it’s hard to fight. there were quite a few ‘baroo’ faces about the table.
January 3, 2009 at 02:16 |
I think goats are ADORABLE. They wag their tails…and they know their names. If you have a goat named, say, Martin, and he was out in the field you could call out: MARTIN! And the little critter would turn around, and run to you…wagging his little tail the whole way. It’s heartwarming.
I’m just sayin’ is all.
And cows are cute too.
(Come to think of it…Lucifer was a beautiful and glorious angel…a seductive force. So maybe the cuter an animal is…they more evil it is. Most of the really good looking guys I know are pure evil. Again…just sayin.)
January 3, 2009 at 03:05 |
I’ll have a ten-pack of those testicles from bluespruce please….
January 5, 2009 at 00:31 |
evangeline – i take your point about the good looking ones being evil as i’ve seen in the female of the species as well… just sayin’, that’s all.
nursemyra – yes ma’m. you want those wrapped or will you be using them right here?
February 1, 2009 at 16:26 |
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