Disclaimer:  This is a recollection of events of some 5 years ago.  I can look back on it and laugh now.  But, given the… ummm… “festivities” in my life of late, I wouldn’t want folks to think that life was piling on.

With apologies to you women who have to be prodded every year by your gyno, having your prostate probed is not in the least fun.  I’m guessing that the doctor is none too thrilled about the prospect either.  But, I am “of an age” where occasional prostate checks are de rigueur.

My doc has a sense of humor, thankfully and unfortunately.  Before every examination, of any kind, he always takes time to ask how my life has been going and just chat a bit.  Before that particular exam, we did the same.  I happened to mention that I had a very important presentation to my senior leadership that afternoon.  Later in the exam, it was time for the ol’ prostate to get checked and the doc was getting gloved and lubed up.  Just before diving in, he mentioned, “You know when you get in front of your bosses this afternoon, you’re going to remember that I had my finger up your butt.”

…ahh, the power of suggestion…

Yep, stumbled over a part of the presentation when that mental seed he planted sprouted gloriously in my mind while looking at the sea of faces staring at me…

Anyway, Doc decided that I needed a colonoscopy.  That’s where they stick a garden hose up your butt with an industrial sized flashlight and SLR camera duct taped to it in order to peek around what’s up there. W-a-a-a-y up there.

A scheduled procedure in the doc’s office, the worst part was the preparation.  Since they’re going up there, they don’t want any… ummm… unprocessed refuse blocking the way.  So the day before, they start you on some ‘colon blow’ medicine that, at first, isn’t so bad.

Then it gets worse.

Then it gets awfully worse.

While they warn you not to stay too far away from a toilet, what they should tell you is “plan on residing near permanently on the toilet for 12 to 24 hours”.  Even when it seems there can be nothing left, out comes more.  And it felt explosive enough to be alternate method to launch satellites.  Of course, even using the softest of soft bathroom tissue, things get rather rough and sore from overuse.


Comes the next day and the actual procedure.  Although anxious, I’m exhausted from being up most of the night having a deeply personal and close relationship with my toilet.  I am actually looking forward to being sedated.

I transitioned from waiting room to dressing room to standby room (where they do last minute prep… like sedation [yay!!]… before going into the procedure room).  In the standby room, my nurse for the procedure comes in the private room… and, wouldn’t ya know it, she’s a member of my church… who I saw every Sunday… and who was going to help with a procedure to ravage my butt… and I’ll have to look her in the eye every Sunday knowing that.

I guess they expect that to happen every now and again, though.  She offered up, since we were acquainted with each other that she could easily arrange another nurse (they tag team the procedures) to take me as a patient.

Already sedated, but knowing this was her job, I rallied my last wisps of logic and humor, given the procedure to be done… and I said:

“Nope, not necessary.  You be the professional nurse; I’ll be the professional asshole.”

P.S.  Yep, results were “all clear” and okay for another 10 years…

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16 Responses to “Colonoscopy”

  1. silverstar98121 Says:

    The worst part is trying to get down the gallon (literally) of stuff they give you. It is so nauseating. I hear now they have it so you go half and half pills and the nasty stuff. I have it to look forward to next year, since my dad had colon cancer, and I get it up the butt every five years.

  2. Rob Says:

    was piling on….

    Nice pun gnukid.

    As far as the colonoscopy reverie? I guess I was like a rubbernecker at a car wreck and couldn’t stop reading.

    Now I’m off to find a spoon to scoop out my mind’s eye. Hopefully.


  3. daisyfae Says:

    as long as the doc didn’t say “Hey! Where’s my watch?” – or worse “Where’s my socks?” – after the procedure… i’d call it a success…

  4. nursemyra Says:

    so now we both know we have healthy aresholes 🙂

  5. nursemyra Says:

    I meant arseholes of course

  6. kyknoord Says:

    My doctor always hums the Mission: Impossible theme while he snaps on the glove.

  7. Dolce Says:

    Now, as long as he didn’t have both hands on your shoulders….um…eeek.

  8. Stephanie of Stopbouncing Says:

    At least he let you know he was going-in-the-out-door.
    At a cancer screening, I got the “One last thing to check” and I was unable to sit for two days. However, I think she shoved a piece of coal up there because I had a diamond when I finally stopped cowering in the corner of the basement.

    “rectal spelunking”. awesome.

    Does it make you feel better that my OB/GYN remarked that my uterus was “perfect”? um, ew. Don’t talk about my ute that way after WE JUST MET.

  9. azahar Says:

    “results were “all clear” and okay for another 10 years…”

    Really – that long? I should have thought five years or even less.

    Glad about the results though!

  10. leavingevangeline Says:

    Okay Gnu…you get the prize for being the first person to make me laugh out loud in days.

    I had to go with a boyfriend to his colonscopy a few years ago. He was TERRIFIED. I felt bad for him, but I thought it was all kind of funny. He didn’t see the humor…we didn’t last.

    I’m in the ob/gyn biz…so we hear all kinds of horror stories. Heh. I’m fascinated by all of it!

  11. Parenthesis Says:

    You’d think with all the advances in medical technology they’d have found some other way of examining the prostrate. I mean we had fingers way back in the mists of time, you know back when we were almost primordial ooze – and are still using them in some fields of medicine it seems. Is it true that things, er, stand to attention, during these exams? I’ve heard it’s normal for that to happen – almost expected – and can be an indicator of something wrong it you don’t rise to the occasion, so to speak? Sorry to ask this, but you hear all kinds of stories 😉

  12. thegnukid Says:

    silverstar – i was lucky (??) and able to take the concentrated version. only a quart (of very nasty tasting stuff) taken over the course of a couple hours. same effect, though.

    rob – laughin’… wondered who’d get that one. you didn’t let me down, my friend. hope the eye scooping went well, but don’t you need a memory scoop now, too?

    daisyfae – “socks”? Ewwww… although i do vaguely recall someone asking where their dog went to…

    nm – makes me proud (okay, yeah, and relieved)

    kyknoord – do you think they have a special elective class in med school on how to do that kind of stuff—scare, amuse, piss off the patient—with little tricks like that?

    dolce – AHHHH!!! [clenching involuntarily] i’m having flashbacks now… i thought i was just dreaming that happened!

    stephanie – …and he even lubed up some… ewww, can you believe we’re actually sharing this stuff? “Perfect Uterus” – no surprise there!

    azahar – it was because i was still in my 40s… if i’d done it today, my next would be 5 years.

    leavingevangeline – Yay!! what’s my prize? and, yeah, if you can’t find a way to laugh about stuff like that, you’ll be hardpressed to laugh about other stuff i life… glad you dumped the humor-less twit

    parenthesis – things don’t stand at attention… the situation is just too bizarre to get sexually aroused… unless you’re a ‘danger monkey’ who likes stuff like that. it’d be like you getting aroused during your ob/gyn exam… well, i guess if the doc is cute enough… [wink]

  13. Parenthesis Says:

    That’s what I figured. Perhaps I have weird guy friends, because I’ve heard to the contrary. As to getting turned on at the annual check up, not bloody likely, no matter how hot the doctor might be …. 😉

  14. Kym Says:

    I’ve been so busy I’ve been unable to check in but (Oh, God you have brought out my 14 year old boy side heh, heh she said butt!) finally I have some free time and thanks to you I am still grinning! Thanks for the laugh!

  15. thegnukid Says:

    parenthesis – sorry… sometimes the urban myth is better than reality. this wasn’t one of them.

    kym – laughin’… thank you Beavis and Butthead. very glad i could give a laugh and a smile.

  16. That Time Of Year « The Wilds of Ohio Says:

    […] probing the prostate to feel for swelling or bumps (as well as other stuff, one of which led to my first [and only, so far] colonoscopy.  Now, it just so happens that the prostate is buried a few inches up our butt.  So, obviously, […]

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