Our Electoral Process

As we U.S.-ians…U.S.-ites?… gather later this month to select Presidential candidates to select from… I offer the following public service to my fellow Blog-lings…Blog-ettes?… and will venture to explain, briefly and succinctly, the American electoral process. Or at least I’ll do my best – – –

This is a highly complex issue which is typically beyond the normal mortal’s understanding, but being I’ve already assured myself that none of you visiting my blog are ‘normal’, I feel safe in continuing.

Presidential nominees are chosen through intense analytical study by several unpleasant 5th grade children who examine the tides, the World Cup schedule, summer TV reruns, vacation plans of Oprah (to accommodate), vacation plans of everyone else (to screw up), and skewed results of throwing defective darts at a collage of photographs of political contenders.

These are all added together, divided by pi (filled with strawberries and using 3.14159 as an approximation), corpusculated using imaginary numbers (e.g., eleventeen), then hamstrung and hung to dry @ 350 degrees for 2 ½ hours, basted with a light wine sauce, then planted in even rows 12” to 15” apart using the 99.5% confidence variability rule of the Geneva Convention on cruel and unusual warfare. At that point, whoever has the most money wins the nomination.

Any further assistance I can give in understanding this arcane and mysterious logic would likely require me to delve into fantasy and science fiction. It wouldn’t be pretty.

Thank you for your attention and I hope this clears it up once and for all.


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11 Responses to “Our Electoral Process”

  1. silverstar98121 Says:

    Thank you for that, I understand so much better now. The photo was especially helpful.

  2. Dolce Says:

    Well. At least none of yours think that having a shower helps to prevent AIDS. Or sings “bring me my machine gun” as part of his electoral campaign. Or thinks girls wearing skirts are “asking for it”. Or is accused of corruption and still awaiting trail. Or only has a grade 7 edumachashun. *sigh*

  3. Stephanie of Stopbouncing Says:

    ahhh, see, I knew that despite what I did it wouldn’t matter.

  4. kyknoord Says:

    A clearly-defined mandate is so important.

  5. daisyfae Says:

    i’m just going to do what i do every year…. a vote for Dizzy Gillespie. He was a write in candidate for many years. Doesn’t make much difference to me that he’s dead. He’ll cause less trouble that way…

  6. Parenthesis Says:

    From here, your candidates all look infinitely desirable. But lovely post, kid dear, cracked a smile, which says alot, it is Monday and I am feeling like death warmed up 🙂

  7. leavingevangeline Says:

    Well, why weren’t we taught that in college?

    I’m so glad that I know people who are so smart and stuff. Like you, and stuff.


  8. thegnukid Says:

    silverstar – ah, shucks… t’weren’t nuthin’… just doin’ mah duty, ma’m…

    dolce – see? at least there’s humor there. okay, yeah, it sucks if you have to be ‘led’ by them, but there’s chuckles galore at their crazy antics

    stephanie – unless, of course, you happen to be a cantankerous 5th grader… you’re not, are you? i mean, there are laws and such… uh-oh…

    kyknoord – mandates? we don’ need no stinkin’ mandates…

    daisyfae – hmmm… i’m guessing you just like what he can do with his lips…

    parenthesis – yep, you’re in a land of looney politicians as well… great fun to make fun of, but lousy leadership. you have my sympathy. and thanks for coming out of your germ-laden funk to visit! you did wash your hands before typing your comment, yes?

    leavingevangeline – like… totally… fer shure… you can copy off my homework anytime, cuz you like are totally hot…

  9. Parenthesis Says:

    Gee. Germ-ridden funk. Now I really feel sick. Thanks G, for that one.

  10. Rob Says:

    Is this stuff on the citizenship exam?

  11. thegnukid Says:

    parenthesis – i got your back… [chortle]

    rob – yeah, but the ones scoring the test don’t understand it either, so you’ll do fine

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