EDBFH

The Wicked EDBFH and the White Powder

  

Okay, so there’s this woman who’s been on multiple project teams that have used our facility as a home.  My facility houses the “cutters of red tape” for our bureaucracy’s cumbersome procurement process.  On each project this woman has been here, she has refused advice and counsel from our experts on how to do things, preferring to do it whatever way strikes her fancy.  She treats us like men servants and hand maidens, requesting we do her mundane and simplistic things.  These could be easily done herself, but I think she gets a power trip thing going by getting us to do them.  She constantly complains about her workload which, albeit high, ain’t no higher than anyone else’s if she actually got down to doing it instead of complaining about it.  Needless to say, she has created great enmity, to the extent that people cringe at the mere mention of her name.   

 

 Because of this, I applied a private moniker which was quickly and enthusiastically picked up by the rest of the folks here.  She is EDBFH – – Evil Demon Bitch From Hell.  Say the words and the letters a few times and you might feel the ease with which they pour off your tongue.

 

 Then, she committed the faux pas which forever enshrined her in the lore of our building.

 

 

Seems EDBFH came back from lunch and parked in the middle of our parking lot.  Instead of coming right back to work, she thought she’d tidy up a bit in the car.  Doing so, she finds a letter sent to her home which she’d put in the car.  EDBFH decides to open it there in the car and… a white powder comes out in her lap along with a note saying, “You’ve been contaminated!” 

 

Apparently, there was much more to the note.  It said something to the effect that she’d get very sick in 12 hours and be dead in 24.  Then it went on to ask a bunch of questions – – – What’s your favorite memory?  What do you want on your tombstone?  What do you leave behind undone?  That kind of stuff.

 

Now, to be fair, I empathize with her going ape shit about this.  I would go blood cold, the mind instantly going to ‘Anthrax!’.  What I do NOT empathize with, nor remotely understand, is why she then decided (with cell phone in hand) to exit her car, come into the building, stop at the front desk, wander a bit there, run up to her room upstairs, call her husband from the office phone, race around telling co-workers… and only then call the authorities!

 

Authorities come quick as a flash.  So we’ve got about 8 police cars, three fire trucks, 2 ambulances, and the decontamination truck.  Authorities close off the entire building, mandating everyone stay in their rooms.  They surround EDBFH’s car.  They also evacuate the rest of the building complex and lock down the roads within 100 yards of the building complex.  They have the air handlers shut down, with the occupants still locked in their rooms and the temperature quickly rising.  EDBFH is led out, escorted by the guys in their decontamination gear — face masks, protective body suits, and all, and put into the decontamination truck.  Here, the woman is directed to strip [I’m still in counseling for the scars evoked by this mental image] and provide her clothing for analysis.  The car is searched and the white powder is sent for analysis. 

 

Amazingly [I didn’t know they {you know…’they’} could work this fast], the analysis results were back in less than 20 minutes – – – corn starch!!

 

Lock down is lifted an hour and a half after it started.  Air handlers refuse to restart until a few days later.  EDBFH is debriefed for a half hour by government agents and has to write reports galore.  Teams and staff in our building, immensely put out by her decision to wander the building, show no sympathy.  Some are even seen to giggle at her predicament. 

 

Okay, so come to find out that she got the letter from her church’s youth group and it was an ‘exercise’ assigned by the teacher to help people live life more fully by understanding that life is tenuous at best.  Holy crap, Batman!!  Next thing you know that church will be on the list of known terrorist organizations.  What. Were. They. Thinking?

 

EDBFH owns that title forever.  And this story will be retold as long as we still draw breath.  Here’s to the likely vain hope that none of you have to deal with an EDBFH (Bitch or Bastard).

 

 

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9 Responses to “EDBFH”

  1. silverstar98121 Says:

    OMFG!!! Why not just yell “bomb” on an airplane? Obviously, you can add “selfish” and “unthinking” to her evil bitch moniker. But the church. I get what they were trying to do, but to thrust it on unsuspecting people in the United States of Paranoia is insane!!!!

  2. Parenthesis Says:

    That’s a classic! You sure that it wasn’t an attempted exorcism, given her moniker? Something about revenge is mine, etc etc? 🙂

  3. kyknoord Says:

    So what’s next? Beatings at the back of the church so people will have a greater appreciation for life without pain?

  4. daisyfae Says:

    Which denomination? The Church of Stupidity and Irrational Acts or All Saints and Societal Dysfunctions”?

  5. Rob Says:

    That’s quite a tale. At first, your descriptions sounded like you work for the same company as me. But as your tale unfurled I had to conclude that it could not be so. Nothing like that could ever happen where I work….

  6. Dolce Says:

    Whahahahahahahaha. You have all the best kinda fun. I know people here that just would have snorted the powder and gone home.

    And I ain’t surprised by what the church does any more. They’re not normal.

  7. Kym Says:

    I had to tell this tale to my husband it was so good. And Dolce your “I know people here that just would have snorted the powder and gone home” still has me grinning.

  8. thegnukid Says:

    silverstar – Yah, that last part got me the most too. Individuals will always be idiots, but groups of them are worse.

    Parenthesis – Exorcism? How about plain and simple banishment to whatever level of hell she came from?

    kyknoord – already in progress…as a matter of fact, step over here–you’re next!

    daisyfae – Nope, it’s Our Mother of Perpetual Bitchiness. Services every day on the odd hours.

    Rob – Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! … oh, wait… you were serious.

    Dolce – “Fun”…yeah, that’s it. And i am so with you on the church.

    Kym – Wheee!!! Sharing is fun. Thank you for the complement!

  9. nursemyra Says:

    oh.my.god!

    what kind of church is that? did they get charged under the public nuisance laws?

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