Assassin Squirrels

I consider myself lucky to have a fun biking partner who keeps me company on rides. Last fall, we encountered a concept which has opened my eyes to a new threat to us humans – – assassin squirrels.

It all started with a ride on the bike path we take, which at the time was covered with fallen autumn leaves. I rode over some of the leaves, creating the expected rustling, crackling noise, subdued some by the morning air. My friend, riding ahead of me, must have thought the noise came from above. She looked upward and asked what the noise was.

I immediately (and nonsensically) replied, “Squirrels!” She countered (equally nonsensically … which is why I so enjoy her company), “Assassin Squirrels?” I added, “…and they’re coming to get us!” And a theme was born.

Thinking this all just grand fun, I was surprised later to find several news stories of just such sinister creatures. To quote just three (of many I found!) – –

— “The squirrel menace … returned with a vengeance on Monday, when a rogue squirrel attacked a postal worker as she delivered letters.”

— “A … Toyota Camry last week suffered a sciurine* kamikaze attack during which a flaming squirrel** fell onto the vehicle, slid into the engine compartment and provoked an explosion which destroyed the parked vehicle…”

And even pets aren’t safe:

— “Squirrels have bitten to death a stray dog which was barking at them in a Russian park, local media report.”

Citizens of the world, no longer can we turn a blind eye to this threat of Mother Nature’s terrorism! They. Are. Out. There. Please, take immediate precautions —

1) When in wooded areas, always carry a can of Squirrel-Be-Gone®

2) Consider wearing non-flammable clothing

3) There is no “3”

4) Do NOT make eye contact with squirrels

5) Always floss after meals

Notify authorities at once if you are the victim of the dreaded assassin squirrels! Be careful out there…


* I think “sciurine” is a cool word

** I’d quip that “Flaming Squirrels” would be a great name for a band, but there already is one —


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11 Responses to “Assassin Squirrels”

  1. Uncle Keith Says:

    Now that you’ve discovered my sinister plot to terrorize the world with my assassin squirrels; I’m afraid I can’t let you live. I’ll be sending the ninja chipmunks to silence you. You’ve brought this upon yourself.

  2. Rob Says:

    Hm. And I always just considered squirrels to be nothing more than noisy pests in the woods.

    They are smart though. (Or my dog was dumb) I once watched a squirrel make a complete fool of my dog around a granary at the farm. The dog would chase the squirrel under the granary and then huff and puff and scratch where the squirrel went under (he couldn’t fit). Meanwhile, the squirrel ascended the wall on the other side, traversed over and watched the dog still scratching away from his perch under the eave. After awhile, he’d get bored and would lure the dog into a repeat of the exercise. I think he could have kept it up all day. Actually, they both could have.

  3. silverstar98121 Says:

    I know about assassin squirrels. I was out walking one day with my walker, and something fell with a thump into the basket attached to it. I don’t know who was more frightened, me or my dog. A squirrel then leapt out of my basket and ran away. Just glad that kamikaze squirrel wasn’t flaming.

  4. daisyfae Says:

    “fun biking partner” – clearly a euphemism! isn’t it hard to ride a bike and keep the tinfoil hat in place (shiny side out)?

  5. thegnukid Says:

    Uncle Keith – Welcome to The Wilds. Well, maybe not as you’re the evil manipulator of those pint sized rodentia. Do you take bribes to call off the..uhh..chipmunks?

    Rob – They’re smarter than they look. I blame Uncle Keith.

    silverstar – Ah-HA!! I knew there’d be at least one reader who was a victim themselves. I still blame Uncle Keith. :->

    daisyfae – absolutely a euphemism. I wouldn’t have it any other way. And, yeah, it is a bit difficult holding the tinfoil hat on…I use old bread bag twist ties.

  6. Rob Says:

    Gnu kid: Check out this link. True story!

  7. nursemyra Says:

    we use those bread bag twist ties to secure continence pads to pubic hair


  8. thegnukid Says:

    Rob – As I said…They. Are. Out. There.

    nm – All I can say is….”Ow!”

  9. Dolce Says:



  10. Update - Assassin Squirrels « The Wilds of Ohio Says:

    […] hit soap opera which normally airs at this time to bring you this serious news update to our Assassin Squirrel story – […]

  11. They’re BACK! « The Wilds of Ohio Says:

    […] another Sciuridae attack.  As I have reported before, this is a chronic and heinous pattern of crime sprees by these squirrelish rodentia!  This time, […]

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